Further Responses To Patrick Carnes’s writings in Chapter 3

I liked Patrick Carnes's reminder of the tests of the strength of a partnership in which a person feels accepted and affirmed “warts and all.” The person asks himself, “Can I be most myself in your presence? Can I be creative, funny, vulnerable, flamboyant, shy or even smart?  Can I couple any of those words with sex and romance?  Can I be tough, forgiving, generous, spiritual, intuitive, graceful, clumsy, lazy, self-indulgent, and disciplined?  Do I feel equal, successful, attractive, encouraged, trusted and believed?  Can I be fully as competent as I can be and have my partner disappear?  Do I feel challenged?  Can I be accountable and hold my partner accountable? Is it ok to make a mistake?  Does our time together really seem to matter?”

Another test is “Can you share the darkest part of yourself?"  “Can you hear about the dark side of your partner?”  Relationships are “challenging and to find meaning a person needs a “witness.”

I find this material very substantial for any couple whether addiction is involved or not. 

However, the “mismatched stages” concept doesn’t resonate with my own experience in working with couples and families.  It seems too complicated to be a useful concept.  I confess I am a firm believer in the KISS principle. Matched stages seem unlikely.  Murray Bowen talked about working with one individual in a family to improve that person’s boundaries and that improved the boundaries and sense of self for all of the members. Couples and family therapy facilitates that process by enhancing the encounters between or among family members. Boundaries, feelings and beliefs become more explicit for all.  The impact of one person on another is also made more explicit. The members grow through encountering each other.