Chapter #7 What Can The 12 Steps Do For Me? By Mavis Humes Baird, BFA, CSAT

            At first I found this chapter a bit dry and “objective.”  I realized I am more accustomed to listening to those who appreciate the “miracle” which they have experienced.  The founders of Alcoholics Anonymous stumbled on a process, which has had more success than any other in treating addiction.  But this chapter is a pretty complete explanation of how the 12 step process works.   I would substitute “living in the moment” or “mindfulness” for the concept of “detachment.”  Under stress many addicts have used the concept of staying sober one day at a time to living one moment at a time.  

Powerlessness must be a difficult concept for partners, co-addicts.  The alcoholic is powerless over alcohol.  After one drink the alcoholic feels compelled to have another and another and continues to drink.  The first drink is the problem because the door is open and the alcoholic can’t stop.  How does that principle apply to the partner who did not compulsively seek some kind of sexual gratification?  After all it was the addict who caused the betrayal and chaos.

Yet many find it difficult to give up the “Oh my God” chaos.  The excitement and the self-affirming nature of the ruminations has its own attraction.   What’s more the partner’s involvement in the relationship was often based on a “happily ever after” expectation.  To give up that hope, wish and expectation is to say the “I was a fool” and then to face the shame and then the grief of that loss.  Also it would be nicer to be able to avoid facing the questions about your own sexuality that Omar Minwalla so graphically described.  The partner is confronted with what must seem to be overwhelming hurt and vulnerability.

Yet control does not seem very possible or fruitful.  Life has become unmanageable. The management she employed to make up for a partner’s lapses or the cover over problems didn’t work. The partner doesn’t have the control she once believed she had.  She can’t control what others think or do. She can’t turn back the clock and change missing a bus, for example.  But she can be in control of attitudes and/or negativity.  Giving up control and assuming an attitude of humility can maximize healing and learning, but it is terrifying.  The 12 step programs recommend turning to the higher power of your choosing for support and comfort.  The group effort to challenge the demon of addiction can be reassuring.  Others are going through what you are feeling.  Others have had some success.  The group wisdom and faith that the process works can provide hope in a time of chaos and overwhelm.  In battle what often inspires soldiers to bravery is the loyalty to each other.  Members of a 12 step program have a similar loyalty as they fight the enemy they have in common, addiction.