Chapter #1, by Stephanie Carnes, Ph.D.

        Carnes presented a very inclusive outline of the addiction and co-addiction pattern.  The intellectual framework explains the pattern, but her emphasis on the development of insight and awareness is probably too overemphasized to be effective in treatment.  Probably the nuances of treatment will be described in later chapters.  Yet the thoroughness of the explication of the many forms of projection and denial is awesome. Rationalizing and/or keeping busy by following the famous Sachel Paige dictum, “Don’t look back. They’re gaining on you.” are only two behaviors on the long list of avoidance techniques.  Whatever the behavior it serves the person’s fear and helps avoid whatever awful feelings might be lurking.

The co-dependent partner has so much to fear.  The addict is not alone in fearing withdrawl.  Carne’s description of the parallel cycles of sex addiction and co-sex addiction fully depicts the similarities. To let go of the rumination, the obsessive rituals, the paranoid concerns, etc. the co-dependent would be forced to experience the fierce pain and rage of betrayal, rejection and the emptiness of existential angst. “ Where’s the meaning in this life?”  “What can justify the endless anxiety?” “I feel empty and worthless.”

In a crisis or in the depths of despair the co-dependent person has to stop and take a different course of action despite “the stinking thinking.”  Insight is over rated.  Alone intellectual insight seldom is enough to enable the person to break free of the pattern of self-destructive behavior.  Knowing you are on a “wrong track” doesn’t get you off it.  Attempts to think your way out of the morass often leads back to the starting point.  Hope, determination to break away from the misery, and an, most importantly, an alternative action are probably going to be more effective than understanding. Until the behavior pattern changes the person is doing the same thing, but expecting different outcomes. Insight is more likely to develop as new behavior changes outcomes.  Mustering the courage to try to begin to act differently and actually trying to do something different is the beginning of the development of a new self-esteem.  Knowing that others have been in the same predicament, are also trying to change themselves and have begun to have some success can also be very helpful.  Finding even one other person who believes in the person can make all the all the difference.  Trusting another while despairing is not easy, but trying to do it alone is the most difficult path.